At long last, the practical incarnation of common-sensical knowledge manifests itself into the Satori Harold to answer questions from befuddled campers.

Dear Deity,
I've been trying to sneak out to the Cheerleaders' floors, but there seems to be a man with a shaven head guarding the stairs. What should I do?
Signed,
Notsocheery

Dear Brendan,
All you need is a rope, a grappling hook, and your mojo. Now throw away the rope and the grappling hook. And bow down! I will take care of the man with the shaven head. Bwahahahahaha!

Dear Deity,
Some newbie campers kept trying to shark my dance partner at last night's Medieval Feast. Should I tell them to get in line?
Peeved,
Old school camper

Dear Crybaby,
What do you mean, "Trying to shark your partner?" I saw you standing by the wall. Next time you think you're old school, talk to Mike. Real old school campers don't get sharked, learn some defense and talk to Mr. Notsocheery up there. In my human form, I can bench 603 pounds and never get sharked, even with one arm tied behind my back and the other raising the roof! BOW DOWN!

Dear Deity,
One of the counselors keeps saying strange words like "Zed" and "aboot." Why can't they just speak English? While we may be intelligenary, I haven't learned Russian yet. Besides, communism fell.
Signed,

Geoff Washington Brush

Dear Brush,
It's a real nice try disguising yourself as a camper this year, and whereas said counselor is a bit leftist, shouldn't you be doing some more important things? Now go "Brush" my hair! I told you, I will take care of everything as long as you keep your mouth shut!