Aries
Your hard-working, disciplined manner will ensure that the important jobs get taken care of. But whatever you do, don't go to work; as it will be smart-bombed later today.

Taurus
Calm down or health problems may prevail. Job instability may be unnerving, but the end result will be to your benefit. And get that spot on your back checked, because it's definitly malignant.

Gemini
Educational pursuits will pay off today. You will be able to hold everyone's attention with your wisdom. I have your credit card number and plan to buy a boat. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Cancer
You will be systematic when it comes to keeping things in proper order, but not everyone thinks like you do. That's because your thought process is being interuppted by the alien implant in your brain, just as you suspected.

Leo
Your involvement in an organization that is trying to help others will enhance your reputation. Be sure to double the Zoloft; today's going to be a doozie.

Virgo
All your energy should be put into whatever work you are trying to accomplish today. Your unique way of approaching what you do will interest your peers. Hate to break it to you, but the chicks really don't dig that stupid Sean Connery accent you do.

Libra
You will do what's necessary to keep fit but without spending lots of money. Mr. T is going to kick your butt because of what you said about him in the Hanson Fan Club chat room.

Scorpio
You will interact well with family, and you can make money through the investments you make today. Don't push away someone who loves you. The FBI is going to raid your illegal Bonzai Kitty operation, so get out of the country.

Sagittarius
Your choice of friends and activities will lead you in a new direction. Expect lots of changes. And you're going to be fired for what you did at the Chrismas party.

Capricorn
You will achieve security because of your ability to implement your plans and because you'll have no problem confronting authority figures today. This "skill" is going to land you in a prison infirmary with multiple nightstick wounds.

Aquarius
You will express yourself with unfiltered truthfulness today, which might get you into trouble with someone you care about. That hot chick you just starting dating's real name is Steve. Do the math.

Pisces
Don't expect someone you're doing business with to be straightforward or honest with you. Someone you work with may be trying to hold you back. I think it's time to tell your mother that you flunked out of school and work at the AM-PM.