Aries (March 21-April 19): You are creative. Keep it to yourself though because other people just want to use their own ideas, they just don’t want to hear what you have to say. This can be aggravating, but regardless of how mad you get don’t get in a fight. Don’t make a scene or “We will send ninjas to kill you.”

Taurus (April 20–May 20): Don’t get mad at other people just because they are wearing the color red. Please fight the urge to ram random things. If you do, you will die.

Gemini (May 21–June 20): You shall do unto others, as you wish them to do unto you, for if betray this rule, “We will send ninjas to kill you.”

Cancer (June 21–July 22): Terminal illness, terminal shmillness.

Leo (July 23 –August 22): Listen better, for your romantic skills will be rendered useless.

Virgo (August 23–September 22): You don’t have to be specific, because no one cares. Your details don’t make you better than anyone else, nor does your health.

Libra (September 23–October 22): Yah, we got nothing, just change your birthday.

Scorpio (October 23–November 21): You have too much energy; go to bed. Stop being so mysterious, you’re freakin’ people out.

Sagittarius (November 22–December 21): Feel free to jump off stuff, because you’ll learn to not jump off stuff; that also counts as a sport.

Capricorn (December 22–January 19): Don’t watch too much T.V., because it’s bad for you. Stay in school.

Aquarius (January 20–February 18): “If you don’t eat your meat, you can’t have any pudding! How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat?!?!?!?” Stop arguing with people. It makes them hate you.

Pisces (February 19–March 20): You’re not sick, get over it. If you fake sick again, “We will send ninjas to kill you.”